NOTE: this is a work of FICTION by Corey Gorey. His “Page Two Tuesday” was moved back to Thursday due to inclement weather.
After a lengthy debate during a recent production meeting at SNY, a segment recorded and edited for the Mets Weekly program was deemed objectionable by executives and subsequently shelved by the network. An unnamed twenty-two year-old production assistant given the task of depositing the source material in the production team’s library leaked the video online and was subsequently fired. While the blog responsible for hosting the controversial clip has since taken it down due to a cease and desist order from SNY and Sterling Mets, a now ex-contributing writer for the offending Mets fan site has transcribed the segment for dissemination below.
[Long shot moving slowly moving toward close-up] Tiffany Simons: “With the 2011 season wrapping up, a guaranteed losing record has made everyone perfectly aware it didn’t exactly work out for Terry Collins and company as we all might have hoped. And while fans were treated to plenty of exciting, dramatic moments on and off the diamond, there were also a few regrettable ones for the Mets. So before we start thinking about next year, we thought we’d check in with the team just one more time before they call it quits—to ask them what one thing [Raises a pointer finger for emphasis] they would change about 2011.
[Insert Mets Weekly graphic here]
Josh Thole: “Oh, jeez. That’s an easy one. [Smiles widely.] There’re a few of those passed balls I’d like to have back. I was pretty terrible. Like I rubbed my hands in chicken fat before putting on my gear and getting behind the plate. Yeah. [Smells hands.] Terrible.”
Jason Bay: “August.” [Nods repeatedly.]
Angel Pagan: “I wanna say the way I handled my bat. It’s a lot heavier than it looks. Or maybe the way I handled my head.”
Lucas Duda: [Enters frame and stands in front of Pagan] “I hear that.”
[Voice over] Tiffany Simons: “Ouch! Any misgivings about 2011, Willie Harris?”
Willie Harris: “One time, I borrowed Beltran’s shaving cream and forgot to give it back. Next thing I know he’s off to the left coast, probably thinking I kept it to be spiteful. [Looks down dejectedly.] It’s messed up.
Justin Turner: “I don’t know. Uh…maybe that I didn’t get to wear the cheerleading outfit more? I thought I made it work.”
[Voice over] Tiffany Simons: “Okaaay. Interesting, Justin. But what about the pitching staff? They have to feel pretty bad themselves, right guys?”
R.A. Dickey: “Well…could’ve taken the bike out more. But now that I really get to thinking about it, I kind of wish they kept Ollie Perez around. He really kept the pressure off the rest of us. He was a real Admiral Ozzel. What? Too obscure? Seriously? He makes the mistake that alerts the Hoth rebels to the fact that the Empire knows where they are. C’mon, Vader kills him. Alright, fine.”
Bobby Parnell: “Looking back, I don’t know if I could have made too many different pitches. But, then again, it wouldn’t have been the worst idea to bean Aramis Ramirez. In that game against Chicago we had a four-run ninth. Like, it was a real come-from-behind thing and then Ramirez. Nothing personal against him, I just hate the name Aramis. I don’t know if I’m pronouncing it right. But the way I hear it, it sounds like Paramus, New Jersey. And nothing personal against the people of Paramus—they’re fine folks, really. I just don’t like the way the town’s name sounds, either. Did you know the Native Americans named the place Paramus because in their language it meant there were a lot of wild turkey’s runnin’ around? [Sighs wistfully] So…anyway, yeah, I suppose I could have made some different pitches.”
Jason Isringhausen: “You kidding? I got my 300 saves. That’s all that matters.”
Mike Pelfrey: “Well, the first half didn’t go the way I wanted, second half didn’t go and the year didn’t go the way I wanted and that’s unfortunate. I guess the one thing I would’ve changed is the whole year. But really…next year, I’d love to tell you I’m going to really pitch like an ace, but that’d be unrealistic. It’s unrealistic.”
Pedro Beato: “Just cut the season. It’s too (expletive beeped) long, man.”
[Voice over] Tiffany Simons: “Duly noted, Pedro. And what about the fan favorites? What regrets do the faces of the franchise have?”
Johan Santana: [Reclining poolside in an undisclosed tropical location.] “I don’t regret nothing. Right on track. [With both hands, he gives a thumbs up to the camera and then reaches over to a table on his left, and grabs what appears to be a banana daiquiri.] Feeling great.”
Jose Reyes: “For me, I’m gonna say not getting one of those t-shirts they made that say, ‘Don’t Trade Reyes.’ I don’t know if I’m gonna be back or not, so I wish I ordered one.”
David Wright: “Ike Davis. Without question. I almost killed him! [Begins to chuckle as off-camera, the laughter of other players rises in volume] I mean—I watched the footage again the other day and it’s like, whoa! Brutal. I might have ended Ike’s career. It’s a shame. [Laughs]”
About the Author
CM Gorey is a writer and musician from New York who lives in São Paulo, Brazil. A contributing writer for Time Out São Paulo magazine and online arts magazine Thalo, he is also a composer of TV and film soundtracks, and performer with the electro outfit White Light Lametta. Suffering from a distance, he watches slowly generated, pixelated Mets games on an old netbook. After careful consideration, he has to admit that the return to the classic uniforms was a smart choice, regardless of his penchant for black uniforms.