Top 10 Reasons John Rocker is Expanding the Steroids Issue

Just when we thought all the PED controversy surrounded Roger Clemens, John Rocker comes out of nowhere and tells the world that team doctors recommended steroids to him, Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez, and Alex Rodriguez.

Uh-oh.

Let’s hope against hope that John is off his Rocker and just looking for some headlines (and/or a book deal). There IS a shred of possibility that he’s lying. For example:

– Rocker claims he failed a steroid test in 2000 and Bud Selig knew all about it. Only problem is, MLB wasn’t testing anyone for steroids back then … so maybe he was trying out as a tight end for the Falcons?

– Rocker now claims that “40 – 50 percent” of MLB players are on steroids. Last spring, he told ESPN that “less than 10 percent” of players were users. In one of these claims, he’s lying, and if he’s lying, then perhaps we can’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

Why would Rocker come out now and make such wild claims? Why should we believe anything he has to say on the subject? Here are my theories …

Top Ten Reasons John Rocker Opened His Mouth (Again)

1. He was hired by Rusty Hardin to make up crazy stories and deflect the attention away from Roger Clemens.

2. He’s still sore about that whole SI article “misunderstanding”.

3. He needs a book deal to pay off his new Remington Pump Action 7600 Rifle (with self-install gun rack that bolts right to yer pickup’s flatbed).

4. He was tired of seeing Jose Canseco get all the glory when it came to PEDs knowledge. “I know mo’ ’bout the juice than that damn spic — an’ he’s no stoopider than me!” (direct quote from Rocker).

5. Wanted to take the sails out of Canseco’s upcoming book, and be the first to publicly associate A-Rod with steroids. “Jus’ call me ‘Scoop Brady’, y’all”

6. Is angry his trainer never saved any of HIS beer cans or needles for future DNA evidence. “I drunk me a bunch a beer and smashed the cans right here on my forehead — and not one was saved by nobody! How my s’posed to get on CSI and meet that hot little blondie?”

7. Is building buzz for an upcoming DVD titled, “How Steeeroids Kin Perteck Y’all frum the Scummy Foryners in Noo York (wit bonis feetcher on “Stacking fer the Seven Trane”)

8. The steroid issue is only the beginning; next week, Rocker will be outing all the “queers and queens” in his solitary effort to “clean up” MLB.

9. Is hoping his steroid talk will make people forget he’s an arsehole, and idiot, and an inexcusably offensive racist.

10. He’s somewhere between clinically imbecilic and moronic, and shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without supervision.