Mets Cure-all

Freshly picked rhubarbWhat the Mets need more than anything, is a good old-fashioned rhubarb.

Maybe I’m showing my age, but you older fans know exactly what I’m talking about.

A rhubarb, in old-skool baseball terms, is another name for a disagreement, or a full-out fight. These lifeless drones dressed in Mets uniforms need a swift kick in the keister to get the blood going. What better way to hype themselves up than by getting into a brawl?

Brawling with the Twins would have been suicide, considering that Minnesota’s minimum height requirement is 6’3″ (Luis Castillo and Cy Young candidates excluded). However, sizing up the Oakland Athletics, the Mets may match up well. Looking at the numbers, the 6’4″, 250-lb. Joe Kennedy looks to be the biggest thug, but he can easily be neutralized by some sweet talking by Carlos Delgado.

All the Mets have to do is either react to a aggressive play — such as a hard slide on a double play — or knock down Milton Bradley. I’d like to see Tommy Glavine send some chin music Bradley’s way, induce him to charge the mound, and have Ramon Castro jump out of the dugout and pile-drive Bradley into submission — while Paul LoDuca gnaws on his ankle.

The only problem is, I don’t know that Castro can move quickly enough to save Glavine in time. No matter — Tommy was drafted by the NHL and knows how to drop the gloves. The bullpen would also need to be alerted ahead of time, so they can sprint into the fracas in time to do some damage. We’ll need Billy Wagner’s ferocity and Guillermo Mota’s size to handle guys like Eric Chavez and Jack Cust. In fact, it might be a good idea to promote Ambiorix Burgos and Ben Johnson to provide a little extra muscle — they can replace Damion Easley, who’s nursing a sore knee, and Aaron Sele, who might be disinclined to damage his recently manicured nails.

Something has to be done to wake this team up, and it’s not going to be a chair-throwing rampage by Willie Randolph, that’s for sure. The only other option is a rhubarb.

Joe Janish began MetsToday in 2005 to provide the unique perspective of a high-level player and coach -- he earned NCAA D-1 All-American honors as a catcher and coached several players who went on to play pro ball. As a result his posts often include mechanical evaluations, scout-like analysis, and opinions that go beyond the numbers. Follow Joe's baseball tips on Twitter at @onbaseball and at the On Baseball Google Plus page.
  1. sincekindergarten June 21, 2007 at 2:34 pm
    Umm . . . Joe, there may be a snag in all this–the A’s DFA’d Bradley today.
  2. joe June 21, 2007 at 2:44 pm
    Curses! Foiled again by those meddling kids!

    Well, maybe we can count on LoDuca to go in hard on Marco Scutaro on a DP ball and elicit fisticuffs.

    Meantime, let’s sign Bradley! What better way to improve the outfield offense AND create a spark in the clubhouse!

  3. sincekindergarten June 22, 2007 at 4:27 am
    Would that spark turn out to be a short-circuit?
  4. joe June 22, 2007 at 9:31 am

    if he becomes a problem, they can always shave his head — in the shower