10 Reasons Willie Randolph Needs an Eye Exam

1. He couldn’t read the abysmal numbers his offense was putting up, and couldn’t see the godawful at-bats they were zipping through. Otherwise, he never would have disagreed with the firing of his “brother” Rick Down.

2. He isn’t able to see that he and Rick Down are clearly, not, brothers.

3. It took him three months to recognize Ruben Gotay as a player on his roster, and another two weeks beyond that to see his batting average was higher than anyone else’s on the team.

4. It took him just as long to recognize Julio Franco was still on the roster, and couldn’t see Franco’s batting average, which was the lowest on the team.

5. He consistently mistakes the “5” in front of Scott Schoeneweis’ ERA as a “2”, and therefore inserts “The Blow” into meaningful ballgames.

6. He can’t seem to discern any of the numbers in Damion Easley’s batting average — how else do you explain his persistence in proclaiming that “Easley’s having a good year with the bat” ?

7. He couldn’t see that Carlos Delgado was in the worst slump of his career, and as a result kept penciling him into the cleanup spot through the end of June.

8. He rarely waves Aaron Sele into a game because Sele usually is seated toward the back of the bullpen, too far from Willie’s range of view.

9. He sees Damion Easley’s iron glove and Jose Valentin’s limited mobility as superior to Ruben Gotay’s defensive skills.

10. He sees a bushy and manly mustache in the mirror, rather than what it really is — a silly, pencil-thin smear of peachfuzz that only a 15-year-old boy would be proud to wear.