A Mets-Friendly All-Star Game Recap

The All-Star game was a magnificent turn of events for Mets fans everywhere. If you somehow missed all the happenings that would make any Mets fans full of joy, let me recap for you:

•Jacob deGrom had the best pitching performance of the night. He set the record by only requiring ten pitches to strike out all three batters he faced. Before the game, AL fans only knew him as the long-hair guy, the guy who only won the NL Rookie of the Year because it was wide open, the guy who isn’t even the best pitcher on his team. Now they know him as we do: deGrominant.

•Clayton Kershaw got the loss. Now we come to the Familia-was-robbed-so-I-hope-everyone-who-got-in-instead-of-him-does-terrible portion of the piece. After our only Met beasted and feasted on the AL hitters, Met fans were left wanting more, kind of like October every year. I found myself rooting against those undeserving, even on the AL side. When Brock Holt and Mike Moustakas were made a fool by the Aroldis Chapman fastball, I found a new level of evil laugh escape my lips that even I didn’t expect. Sure, they were on the other team, but Jeurys Familia was better, and I was bitter. Anyways, Clayton Kershaw was chosen for the All-Star Game after Max Scherzer was declared ineligible for pitching on Sunday. Obviously, you can tell that I do not agree with this move. Kershaw made it because of his name, not his stats this season. He’s 6-6 this season! Come on now! So it was only fitting that he gave up the go ahead runs, as Prince Fielder drove in Mike Trout to put the AL ahead for good. NL manager Bruce Bochy blew the selection, so it was more than fair to watch the guy he chose blow the game.

•All the other guys who barely made it over Familia did awful/didn’t play. Now I may be reaching more than a Mets fan who thinks we can get Troy Tulowitzki for Rafael Montero straight up, but just stay with me here. I may be more bitter about the Familia snub than Familia himself, but even Jeurys would get a kick out of this. Okay, so the guy who won the final vote, Carlos Martinez, didn’t pitch in the game. That’s nice, huh? That’s weak, you say? Okay, how about this: Bochy chose Francisco Rodriguez to be the lone Brewer, because every team needs at least one player. But, Ryan Braun seemed like the better choice. Later, Braun was chosen as an injury replacement, and K Rod was now on the team for absolutely no reason. So what, you say? Well, Rodriguez gave up two runs in his inning of work. Now, let me channel my inner infomercial salesman: But wait, there’s more! In Braun’s only at-bat, the guy tripled to right, later scoring on a sacrifice fly. See that Bochy! You could have had Braun and Familia, and still wouldn’t have broken any rules! That was pretty good, right? No? You want more? Wow, you guys are more greedy than 50 Cent. Well, like a solar panel, I can go all day. Jonathan Papelbon, another undeserving reliever only in because of his team’s losing ability, didn’t pitch. How about on the offensive side? Injury replacement Tulowitzki had an opportunity to tie the game, but instead grounded out. Both the Giants that San Francisco and NL manager Bruce Bochy chose went hitless. But Bochy didn’t pick then because he’s on his team, of course. Bochy picked them because….. because…. because…. I’m sorry but there’s no other reasonable explanation. Cardinals second baseman Kolten Wong deserved it ten times as much as Giants second baseman Joe Panik. If any other manager was the NL manager, Panik would have been at home watching. But I digress. The point that’s now driven into your head is that all the players who beat out Familia didn’t do well. So yes, you can sleep tonight. No, you cannot riot (at least not under my orders).

The NL losing the All-Star Game isn’t the worst thing in the world. The Mets lose all the time and no one cares. What’s that? People care? The majority of the fan base is always upset? Really? But jokes aside, now when the Mets sweep the World Series, at least they’ll be at home when they do it. And yes, I didn’t actually put jokes aside.