10 Hates On the Phillies
It’s completely normal for New York area fans to dislike Philadelphia sports teams. In fact, it’s a birthright — and my guess is that the feeling is mutual (Philly fans and NY sports teams). However, it used to be that the only team I really hated — with a passion — was the Braves. They won every stinking year, and did it so easily, without dramatics, and seemingly without effort. The Braves would collect maybe four hits in a game but somehow come away with a 6-2 victory, and the whole time we had to endure the condescending smiles of Larry and Andruw Jones, Bobby Cox, John Smoltz, Greg Maddux … the list goes on and on.
Though I still hate the Braves, they’re not as much a threat recently as the Phillies. Each day there’s another Phillie to hate a little bit more. Here’s my personal list.
I hate …
1. Shane Victorino, aka “the flyin’ Hawaiian”. He reminds me of David Eckstein — a tiny, overachieving pest who always seems to be in the middle of a rally.
2. Chase Utley – because he’s so damned … perfect. Yeah, it’s jealousy, but jealousy and hatred go hand-in-hand. And that smirk when he’s beating you … reminds me of Greg Maddux and the Jones boys.
3. Adam Eaton – because it’s frustrating as heck to be dominated by the worst starting pitcher in National League history.
4. Ryan Howard, because a.) like Utley, I’m jealous; and b.) he’s so hard to hate.
5. Charlie Manuel – the Lt. Columbo of managers, a disheveled, dumpy character who appears to be a moron but somehow wins in the end.
6. Jimmy Rollins – I’d love this guy if he couldn’t walk the walk, but he can. His squawking and reprehensible confidence level (what have the Phillies ever won, anyway?) is annoying enough, but the fact he backs up his words … well, it’s unnerving.
7. Antonio Alfonseca – because I have a prejudice against polydactyls with pot bellies … so sue me.
8. J.C. Romero – because a middle reliever who gets released outright, in this day and age, has no business pitching as effectively as he is right now. (Unless that pitcher is Guillermo Mota, the year is 2006, and he’s on steroids.)
9. Pat Burrell – 38 career homers and 97 RBI against the Mets. Do I need another reason?
10 The Phillie Phanatic – because he is the ugliest and most annoying mascot in the history of sport. We need John Stearns to come back to the coaching staff to tackle that atrocious thing, in the same way he brought down and pummeled Chief Noc-A-Homa way back when.
Honorable Mention: Cole Hamels – because a punk kid with 23 career wins shouldn’t have the audacity to be so cocky. Pitch a complete year without visiting the DL, or win 20 games in a season, before walking around like you’re the second coming.
Who are your hates from Philly? List ’em in the comments.