CM Gorey is a writer and musician from New York who lives in São Paulo, Brazil. A contributing writer for Time Out São Paulo magazine and online arts magazine Thalo, he is also a composer of TV and film soundtracks, and performer with the electro outfit White Light Lametta. Suffering from a distance, he watches slowly generated, pixelated Mets games on an old netbook. After careful consideration, he has to admit that the return to the classic uniforms was a smart choice, regardless of his penchant for black uniforms.
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Exclusive Negotiating Windows Are Made to Be Broken

As of this moment there is basically only one looming Mets story: the re-signing of Jose Reyes. I suppose the lowering of the Citi Field walls have run a distant second, but essentially, next year’s shortstop has become one of the only things that matter as the remaining two teams in each league pummel each other for glory.

On the surface, you might not think there weren’t many ways to conjecture about this issue; either the guy signs or he doesn’t. But as probability and sports radio would have it, there are enduring questions of money, the amount of years to be offered, the level of interest and identities of other possible suitors, Reyes’ health and endurance for the following five to seven seasons, the length of time it will take for his decision to come, among other things. These issues have grown as points of anguish and interest because no one speculating professionally or as an armchair executive believes the Mets’ exclusive negotiating window will produce any contract with Jose. And that’s sad. But it’s also business. With the National League Batting Title in his back pocket, most have concluded Reyes will very likely test the free agent market to listen to, if not heed the lucrative siren call of other franchises singing bewitchingly of his heavily incentive-laden worth.

With Sandy Alderson concerned with payroll flexibility and the entire fan base overwrought about never having a reason to watch a game for the next few seasons, there is a great deal at stake. The paranoid drawing of parallels to Strawberry’s career has raised the ever-threatening specter of Bronx pinstripes, while other fingers already point toward possible landing spots in Milwaukee and San Francisco, where Reyes might rejoin forces with other big-named, jettisoned ex-Mets. As a result of our collective growing anxiety, many have already blogged and spilled ink over the reasons why Flushing should simply do whatever it takes to retain #7—one of the only bright spots in an otherwise difficult past five years of frustrating baseball.

Is there really nothing Sandy can do during those precious moments after the World Series to convince Jose to just stay put?

Here are some unconventional options he might wish to consider during the first round of negotiations:

#1.) Get Terry Collins to drug Jose’s water or knock him out with an unexpected blow to the head A-Team style—like B. A. Baracus before getting on a plane. Photocopy his signature onto the new contract. When he wakes up, tell him he blacked out. During spring training, Jose will complain about headaches and go on the DL. He won’t rejoin the team until July when he injures his left hamstring stealing third, but he’ll be all ours to complain about incessantly.

#2.) Offer to re-sign him for 150 years at $8.33 billion per year. When he starts receiving 2012’s paychecks and asking questions, just have Fred and Saul “categorically reject” any accusations of fraud and tell Jose his English still needs work as they unleash an eye-glazing, drool-inducing team of suits to point out over the course of hours that the contract specifically stated his new deal was for 150 months at $8.33 per hour (with a club option after 20 months). Sit back and watch the ensuing courtroom drama unfold, and the Post for their brand of daily indecorous word play headlines, which they will no doubt vomit reliably across the back page.

#3.) Maneuver the most base and shameless among the negotiating staff to work tirelessly to produce a secondary agreement, which, once in place, simultaneously locks Reyes in for the next five seasons through outside revenue streams. By signing a distribution deal to make his EL7 Music a subsidiary of Universal Music Latin Entertainment with an accompanying 8-year, 5-album deal worth $120 million, Jose will agree to the annual league minimum of $414,500 from the ball club during the duration.

Other ideas:

–         Paint his face on the Home Run Apple, or better yet, purchase the years remaining on the naming rights and change the stadium to Jose Field

–         Call Reyes into the Acela Club where Jay Horwitz will shoot Ruben Tejada execution-style–the wall of glass backdrop will make the killing very dramatic. Afterward, have Jeff Wilpon open a suitcase of cash and say, “That’s how positive we are that you’ll just relax…and get yourself nice and comfortable. Stay in Queens, Jose”

–         Broker a deal with the Town of North Hempstead to convince Manhasset to officially observe June 11th as Jose Day, complete with parade, closed libraries, and a public flogging of fellow resident Bill O’Reilly by the masked Mr. Met. When the press raises an eyebrow and S&M jokes start to surface, sell Zack Wheeler’s contract to Washington for a huge sum of money to buy every newspaper off

–         On a moonless night, move the Mets to the Dominican Republic and don’t look back

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The Conclusion Jumper: Black Facts

The year was a bust and the next might be tougher. We’re all dying to hold on to Jose until his legs fall off and on top of that, the NL East competition promises to get even stiffer next season.

But before the debate rages about how our Mets will look in 2012 personnel-wise, let’s take a moment during these playoff games we have no part of to talk about fashion. Surely, the traditionalist pinstripe lovers (closet Yankee fans) and snow-white purists will blow their horns for the eradication of all things black and drop shadow, while others will extol the virtues of this year’s new but rarely seen cheesy bright blue Los Mets getups. But let’s consider the facts.

During the 2011 campaign the Mets couldn’t get out of their own way and came in eight games under .500. Do you know why? You can mention the rough start, Pelfrey’s inconsistencies, Ike and Murphy’s injuries (among others), or stretch and say the off-field Madoff business really cast doubt over the year. But you would be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The reason the 2011 Mets didn’t perform better was because they didn’t wear the black uniforms enough.

You want statistics? You love statistics, don’t ya?  Here you go:

2011 games played in black jerseys:              53
2011 games won in black jerseys:                  28
2011 games lost in black jerseys:                   25

2011 winning percentage in games played in black jerseys: .528%

 

Conclusion: For 2012 wear BLACK for the majority of the games and put drop shadow everywhere: layer it beneath the “TM” on the Mets baseball logo, use dark dirt under the bases, draw some across the players’ foreheads with eyeblack, and for good luck, slap a little Just For Men Mustache & Beard jet-black brush-in color gel on Keith’s upper lip. And fine—I’ll concede white unis on Friday nights only. And if it feels more old school for you, tear the names off the back; the way things are headed, I won’t know or care to know exactly who it is fumbling around out there anyway.

P.S. – I just realized how happy I am that I never have to listen to Fran Healy call a Met game ever again. Same goes for Seaver. He sure did like to say “big boy” a lot, didn’t he?

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Transcript to the Unaired SNY Mets Weekly Segment: “Regrets”

NOTE: this is a work of FICTION by Corey Gorey. His “Page Two Tuesday” was moved back to Thursday due to inclement weather.

After a lengthy debate during a recent production meeting at SNY, a segment recorded and edited for the Mets Weekly program was deemed objectionable by executives and subsequently shelved by the network. An unnamed twenty-two year-old production assistant given the task of depositing the source material in the production team’s library leaked the video online and was subsequently fired. While the blog responsible for hosting the controversial clip has since taken it down due to a cease and desist order from SNY and Sterling Mets, a now ex-contributing writer for the offending Mets fan site has transcribed the segment for dissemination below.

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