What the Mets need more than anything, is a good old-fashioned rhubarb.

Maybe I’m showing my age, but you older fans know exactly what I’m talking about.

A rhubarb, in old-skool baseball terms, is another name for a disagreement, or a full-out fight. These lifeless drones dressed in Mets uniforms need a swift kick in the keister to get the blood going. What better way to hype themselves up than by getting into a brawl?

Brawling with the Twins would have been suicide, considering that Minnesota’s minimum height requirement is 6’3″ (Luis Castillo and Cy Young candidates excluded). However, sizing up the Oakland Athletics, the Mets may match up well. Looking at the numbers, the 6’4″, 250-lb. Joe Kennedy looks to be the biggest thug, but he can easily be neutralized by some sweet talking by Carlos Delgado.

All the Mets have to do is either react to a aggressive play — such as a hard slide on a double play — or knock down Milton Bradley. I’d like to see Tommy Glavine send some chin music Bradley’s way, induce him to charge the mound, and have Ramon Castro jump out of the dugout and pile-drive Bradley into submission — while Paul LoDuca gnaws on his ankle.

The only problem is, I don’t know that Castro can move quickly enough to save Glavine in time. No matter — Tommy was drafted by the NHL and knows how to drop the gloves. The bullpen would also need to be alerted ahead of time, so they can sprint into the fracas in time to do some damage. We’ll need Billy Wagner’s ferocity and Guillermo Mota’s size to handle guys like Eric Chavez and Jack Cust. In fact, it might be a good idea to promote Ambiorix Burgos and Ben Johnson to provide a little extra muscle — they can replace Damion Easley, who’s nursing a sore knee, and Aaron Sele, who might be disinclined to damage his recently manicured nails.

Something has to be done to wake this team up, and it’s not going to be a chair-throwing rampage by Willie Randolph, that’s for sure. The only other option is a rhubarb.

The other day I’m listening to the Michael Kay Show (what, you want me to listen to Fatcesspool and the Rat Dog on my way home?), and a Mets fan calls in with this proposal:

“I think the Mets should trade Heilman and Milledge to the Seattle Mariners for Ichiro and J.J. Putz. Then we could put Ichiro in outfield and have a good setup guy for the eighth.”

I nearly pulled my car off the road, not because it was such an asinine proposal, but that such stupidity and arrogance would come from a Mets fan — trade ideas like that are supposed to come from YANKEE fans.

For example, two years ago dozens of Yankee fans would call in after every Tampa Bay series and say remarkable things like, “duh Yankees, dey should get dis kid Crawford. Duh Rays need pitchin’ so we can give ’em Jaret Wright and some prospects” Or more recently, at least one caller chimed in with “I got da perfect solution for the Yankees’ first base problem, and it ain’t gonna cost us nuttin’. All we gotta do is get dat guy Pee-na back. I see he’s hittin’ pretty well now,” — as if the D-Rays were the Yankees’ farm team, and had assigned Carlos Pena to them until he got his stroke back.

Though you will hear an occasional doosie from a Mets fan, generally we’re a fairly educated, realistic lot, and do not believe that the rest of MLB exists solely for the purpose of keeping the Mets’ roster stocked with the best players on the planet.

If and when you ever call in to a sports talk radio show, please remember you are a Mets fan, and in many ways representing not just yourself but all Mets fans. Let’s leave the trademark for obnoxious, ignorant, and unbalanced trade “ideas” for Yankees fans only (and the idiots in your fantasy league).

Have you caught a Mets fan proposing a dumb deal? Let us know in the comments section.

The Mets’ Rookie club, the Brooklyn Cyclones, have begun their 2007 season with a bang, and are currently at the top of the standings in the New York-Penn League.

OK, their record is only 1-0, but hey, they’re undefeated!

To keep up with all the happenings of the Cyclones, and other developments in the Mets’ minor league system, visit Cyclones Nation, a new blog focused on the Brooklyn farm club. It’s headed by Flushing University columnist Matt “The Stat” Himelfarb — someone who I disagree with on nearly every subject, but respect immensely nonetheless.

Great to see top-notch blog coverage on the Cyclones. If anyone knows about similarly good blogs on other Mets minor league teams, send me an email. It’s always fun to keep up on the news of the youngsters, where hope springs eternal — especially when the oldsters are eternally squashing hope from the Major League season.

A loyal reader (actually, my wife) asks, “When is Omar Minaya going to make a move?”

Good question.

Last night on MetsBlog Talk Radio, Minaya did let us know that he’s always thinking about trades — in fact even getting advice from his wife — but that they are hard to do for several reasons. And as Matt Cerrone pointed out, he’s hammered with the question of “who are you after” all the time. The standard answer is, “we’re always looking for pitching”, and he’ll NEVER name names because that goes against MLB policy and regulations (if he even mentions he has an interest in a player on another team, he’s subject to a hefty fine).

That said, all we can do is speculate. The rumors swirling include Mark Buehrle, Shawn Chacon, Damaso Marte, Brad Lidge, Scott Williamson, and just about every other arm on a team fading from the playoff picture.

Though any of those guys might make sense, and Omar is always looking for pitching, the current state of the Mets suggests that a bat — particularly an outfield bat — would be an ideal acquisition. Lately, the Mets’ pitching has been so-so, but there have been several contests that could have been won had the offense been awake and cognizant that a game was occurring. Further, help is already on the way — Pedro Martinez may return sometime in August, Dave Williams is recovering, and New Orleans has Philip Humber, Jason Vargas, Mike Pelfrey, and Brian Lawrence all pitching fairly well. Granted, the AAA pickings may not be All-Star quality, but would you rather trade a warm body for Shawn Chacon, or give Pelfrey another shot? (Pelfrey, in fact, might be a great choice for middle/setup relief.)

On the block, supposedly, are Jermaine Dye, Mark Teixeira, Todd Helton, and a few other big names. However, it’s doubtful the Mets will land a big name, for several reasons.

First of all, the big problem with the Mets making a move for a position player is this: who do you replace? While it would be nice to see a guy like Helton at first base, Carlos Delgado is immovable in more ways than one — besides the fact his feet are like cinderblocks, his $14.5M per year contract and .220 batting average make him less than attractive to possible suitors. There also seems to be some kind of a magnetic aura that keeps him around, and in the middle of the order — the same mysterious force that has kept Julio Franco on the roster, Damion Easley in the lineup, and Ricky Ledee around the clubhouse. Obviously, David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Beltran are going nowhere, and neither is Paul LoDuca nor Jose Valentin. Some fans might like to see Shawn Green dealt, but right now the outfield depth is shaky, and are you really going to find someone better — without giving up your top prospects? The only real opening is in leftfield, and how long that remains is uncertain. Moises Alou may be back in a week, or a month, or in March — no one seems clear. Endy Chavez should be back in a few weeks, and if both he and Alou return simultaneously, and a guy like Jermaine Dye is on the roster, there will be a serious logjam in the outfield.

In the past, the Mets have made deals that no one saw coming (other than, perhaps, the Shawn Green trade, which had been rumored since 1996). For example, not one pundit thought Xavier Nady would be dealt away, and the El Duque deal materialized out of thin air. So, the more you hear about the Buehrle-Dye deal, the less likely it will become reality. Most likely, Minaya will find someone off the scrap heap — kind of like what he did in acquiring Dave Williams and Guillermo Mota last year. That would make the most sense, considering the current roster and the impending return of Alou and Chavez. Expect Omar to find a potential fourth outfielder / first baseman who can fill the gap right now, but not be in the way should Alou return. That’s not too tall an order.

Looking around MLB, there are a few guys who might fit that description. For example: Jacques Jones (Cubs), Eric Hinske (Red Sox), Kevin Millar (Orioles), Matt Stairs (Blue Jays), and Jeff Conine (Reds). Yes, I’ve seen that the Mets were scouting Randy Winn of the Giants, but don’t see him as a good fit — unless Shawn Green is part of the deal. Winn is an everyday player, and not that much different from Chavez — except that he’s getting older and slowing down. Watching Minaya’s past history, it would be more in line for Omar to get a Conine type — in other words, a veteran bat that can add a bit of punch for the short-term, will accept a bench role when Alou returns, and will come cheap.

If the Mets bats continue to flounder, we’ll likely see some kind of a deal sooner rather than later.